With Mother’s Day coming up, this Sunday can cover a gamma of feelings stirred up by an array of moments through life. Many moms will be served breakfast in bed complete with paper flowers made by sticky fingers. Some moms will be visited throughout the day and reminisce about how it all went so fast. But I know some women also face grief having said goodbye to a mother she is separated from, and some ladies who still feel the pang of grief from the death of their unborn child who still is in every way a part of their heart. Then there are those like me who have journeyed through infertility for years and find themselves experience grief on a different level. My hope is for every woman, no matter her mother status, take time to pause in the day, inhale a deep breath, and exhale it all out. Relish in love.
For 145 months I have been navigating through infertility finding frustration, patience, anxiety, hope and after what seemed like an endless amount of time, settled into joy and contentment. What I learned from surrendering my hopes, was this journey was the best thing for my faith and who I am today. The process made me grow and forge deeper into a relationship with a God who passionately loved me.
We all face many kinds of choices in life and decisions need to be made. My journey poised those same options and I found some were straightforward to make, but others were a bit more complex. The complex decisions required intentional actions so a transformation of a heart can take place. Actions determine your direction and necessary if you are to move forward. This part gets complex, but God never wavered in His lavish love during these times and was an anchor for my soul.
As one can expect, this was not a butterflies and unicorns kind of makeover. It was far from glamorous. There is hurt and refinement to go through, but it is not intended to harm. The process develops us. Experiencing this depth of love was just as beautiful as it was painful because in the real bowels of love, this surrender touches every fiber of our heart.
Mother Teresa once said “A love to be true has to hurt.” I’ll be honest, I did not understand those words at first and rejected them. But God is a good God and His love conquers and covers all. Bequeathing my plans, my hopes and desires to a Heavenly Father who knit my heart intricately to His was sweetly rewarded by a peace that superseded any doctor’s promises. Basking in God’s love no matter the situation became my heart’s anthem song. It paved the path for hope, contains fears, and offers assurances to our soul.
Tucked into the pages of the bible is a verse that offers just this; Isaiah 54:1 “Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married,” says the LORD.”
Altering our perspective about infertility was a game changer. In this passage we are told there will be more children who are deserted than children who are not. But honestly, our erroneous focus blinded us from basking in His blessings He had already in front of us. For years, He had been answering our prayers for children with nieces, nephews, godchildren and cousins. We have cradle and heard an infant’s protesting his arrival just hours old, we have had to separate food on a fussy toddler’s plate and even barter with a 4 year old to pick up their toys. We have years of experience hearing pitter patter in the middle of the night from a little one asking for a drink of water or being awoke in predawn hours by eager little’s to begin the day. There have been quarrels broken up, tears wiped away, scraps bandaged, hugs given to broken teenage hearts and encouraging advice to the college bound.
We have told stories of how great God is in everyday life to these children and how to look for ways He is loving us in any circumstance. We have shared our story, but more importantly we have shared our hope. Learning the secret of being content the apostle Paul speaks of in Philippians 4:12 began to come alive for us. This secret was a missing key in our journey and now with the ability to unlock doors to real joy, I have been ridiculously thankful for all the trials and suffering to find it.
You see friend, we are instructed to shout for joy with good reason. If we are open to His plan for our life, we reap His blessings. His plan may take us on journey’s we would not seek out for ourselves, but that is the one your soul will need and crave.
Each journey to motherhood is as unique as a mother’s fingerprint. Along the way a voice is found and a battle is won. At times it can feel like one big mosh pit of emotions, but when the dust settles the journey you find yourself in maybe just what your life needed for some healing, some growing or perhaps some correcting that produces the abundance of love our Father offers.